Constant Thoughts

fb_img_1526816949772My brain is on overdrive and I can not stop it.

I plan, I dream, I construct and I deconstruct. I worry, lately, mostly I worry.

I worry about my children, their friends, their education, what the world will be like when they grow up. My mind shifts to how selfish I was to want them, to want to bring children into this world. The vast and great unknown. I then become sad. Over a magnitude of things. But the love I have for them knows no boundaries, it is infinite and it is strong enough to kill me.

Last week I witnessed another child, just 11 years old, smacking another boy over the head and shoving him into the fence before swinging him around by his school bag and into my car (I just want to clarify – I don’t give a damn about the car). I watched as one parent shuffled their two children passed as quickly as they could, I saw another parent who was within arms reach merely look the other way. What did I do? You ask… I yelled. I drew the full attention of the bully with quite a powerful voice (you see – I allow my children to explore and I need to be able to call them back – annnnnnd I did used to want to be a teacher – let’s call it my teacher voice).

“Excuse me…..” I powerfully voiced, “That is my car you just hit…” and do you think this child flinched? Let me tell you… He did not.
He yelled back at me, “Do you think I give a fuck?”
… Wait what?? … (I see the victim scurry off out of the corner of my eye)
“Well you should.” I respond.
“I don’t give a fuck, it’s because I am black isn’t it?” – this kid is angry and clenching and unclenching his fists.
“I don’t think so buddy.”
“Well fuck you, bitch!” he yells all the while flipping me two beautiful birds.
“Charming child.” I say to his back as he stomps away.

This kid is 11. This kid 3 days later when he saw me tried to stare me down. This kid the next day put the school into lock down for the third time this year. This kid is a risk.

So yes, I worry, I worry that my children are not safe in an environment that I willingly send them to five days a week. I worry now, that because I stood up to this child that my own children will now become his targets. I worry that the school is not doing enough. And I am concerned because I have looked at moving my children but fall outside of the zone for either of the other schools that I like and have been told this when I have inquired about enrollment. I worry that maybe one day another parent wont stand up to a bully and that irreversible damage will be caused. And I worry that maybe that victim might be my own child.

So not only do I think about how to make ends meet, what I want to do with my life, how much I love my children but I am constantly worried. My anxiety is in overdrive and no amount of meditation, oils or medication is helping.

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