Grief 

Last week the world lost a shining light. A beacon to those who knew him.

Sadly due to that family fallout discussed in the last blog- I did not know him well, if you can say I knew him at all. Our family was close during the 80’s and a few years into the 90’s but the memories I have from that age are not solid and cannot be recalled on a whim. I had only seen him twice in 25 years…

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my cousin, William. My cousin who was dealing with life on a much deeper and darker level than those around him could fathom or recognise. He had outwardly acknowledged he was suffering depression. And sadly on the 11th July he opted to end his life. His short 31 year young life. Leaving behind his parents and younger brother. For whom my heart hurts.

And I am angry and sad that the only time my family is together is at a funeral. I am angry and sad that he ended his life by suicide… I am especially hurting that during his earthside years I did not make more of an effort to mend this broken bond caused by our parents disagreements. Something that had nothing to do with us, that we had no say in and that effected and infected us.
Sadly I was not able to attend the wake as Alan was home with a feverish and aching Logan… 

I intended on going for a while but the combination of knowing my little boy was home unwell and that I pretty much knew no-one there on a personal level – my anxiety got the better of me and I decided to head straight home.

Moving forward from here, and partially against my Dad’s wishes, I will meet with those Aunts that have said they would to form a relationship with me and those cousins who may be interested as well. I am going to make this effort, even though my sister tells me I make none (I disagree).

I long to have a larger extended network. It’s in my blood and if it means I have to work for it then that is what I will do. Internally my heart skips a beat at the thought of putting myself out there… At the possibility of rejection… But there is only one way to find out if this is meant to be.

Return If Possible.

May Grandad take you by your hand and lead your way.

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