Confusion, drowning, rediscovery.

At what age do you know what you want to do with your life? I feel like I am drowning completely. I think a lot. But I am not sure that I actually know what I want.

Do I want to teach? I think I do, and I think I have always wanted to but how can I be sure? I had very little guidance from my parents or teachers in discovering where my strengths lie and what path I might consider going down. I did recently complete and online questionnaire which showed me that I am suited to helping others (something I love to do) and might consider being a health care assistant or nurse. But how accurate can these type of generated answers be?

I recently had a discussion with my Dad about how his mid 30’s were by far the hardest years of his life. And I am in awe of how completely accurate this is. I have never struggled with image, finances or the reality that I have lost any and all passion and drive for things I love. It sounds like depression, and in a way it may very well be. But I have spent the last 10 years either growing babies internally or growing them earth side – and they are turning out pretty damn fine if I do say so! These two tiny humans have been the center of my universe for a large portion of my life, and I have given it my all and along the way lost the meaning of who I am as an individual. And these years are hard, so damn hard, I am their world. It is a huge responsibility.

I know that I will come out of the other side. But I also want to come out the other end with my own parents alive. So often I compare where I am with friends whose parents have passed and left them with an inheritance – and how can I compare to that? Not only have the grieved – and quite possibly are still grieving but I have not received money that I have not physically had to sweat and bleed for. I would rather not have it and still have my parents. Not that they are really a part of my village, they have minimal contact with my children, by choice. This time is theirs you know?

How is this time not going to be hard when you have limited support from family in a. raising children and b. for self care. ? I can only hope that if the time comes and I am blessed with grandchildren of my own that I am able to be involved, both physically and financially and to shower them with all the love my children receive from me.

So this blog was to talk myself around and attempt to make sense of my brain and my desires. I have only realized that while I have neglected myself, I have really tried hard to be the best Mother I can be… And while I am perfectly imperfect, I am all I can be for my children and that is all I can ask.

This year I am going to study Education Support. I have a decent job. Albeit, not perfect. So I can stay where I am for a bit. I also plan on beginning on a debt free journey and working on my marriage. I am also toying with the idea of studying coaching… I feel like to two qualifications combined could really change the lives of some children. I am on a bit of a weight loss journey and will share more on that later in the year. Bring on 2019.

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